Looking back
August 28 2002

I have had this feeling for over two weeks now. I am not ready, not ready in the real sense of the word. I have sat down and analyzed my situation. More than ever, I am now in a good situation to train. I have the necessary support network: great coaches, great training partners, massage therapist, physiotherapists, chiropractor, the ability to pay my rent. Yet, I worry about my form, about the feeling that I am destined not to do well at this world championships. I felt better before the commonwealth games, I felt that with another three-four weeks, I would be ready for the world championships, but that has not been the case.

1998 was a year I remember too well, it holds great memories for me. It was the year when I wrestled for the pure joy of the sport, for the love of the pure sport. The world title in 1999 was unexpected, maybe it was not ripe. But the Olympic title in 2000 was definitely well - deserved. Since then though, the same thing that I have always maintained would not happen, has consistently buoyed my wrestling. There is the feeling that there is something to defend, that a title is on the line. That if I lost, I'd be losing something I had for keeps. Well then, after last year's loss at the world championships, things should have settled down. I should be a lot more relaxed and less anxious. But I am not. I fear that I will be soundly beat, that I will be embarrassed. Don't ask me where the feeling comes from.Looking back at this season, I have not had too many tournaments. There is no need to think I am tired from the non-stop intense practice sessions and or kickass tournaments. Come to think of it, I have had average tournaments this year. The world championships would be my 6th tournament, less than a tournament a week is not too much of a stress on the body. But I tell you, I feel like I have been lifting and running too hard and losing steam before the water even boils over. Inside me, I long for the tournament and feel like I want to see how I will do against longer and skinnier wrestlers. The likes of Leipold, Saitiev and Williams are people I had itched to battle against even while I was at 69 kg. Then I felt I had nothing to lose, even if I lost to them. What is this feeling then? A fear of losing?

For the longest time, my fear about tournaments was the fear of winning. I always get asked what that means. It was the fear that I did not know what to do to win, it was not necessarily that of losing. It was the unknown about how the match would progress and how the winning points would be scored. That was then though, now is now. How then do I get back to thinking about the fear of winning as opposed to the fear of losing. How do I deal with all this worry that I am not ready, that I stand the risk of getting smashed in more ways than one. Does this fear stem from the fact that everyone expects me towin? And if everyone does, is it necessarily a bad thing? Wouldn't everyone, I mean, most people, pray that everyone else expect them to win? Is it any different for me? Well, I guess in my situation, I fear that I expect nothing less of myself. So when my feet feel like they are stuck to the ground, my arms get a resting place behind an opponents neck and refuse to move, when the duck-unders and the double leg attacks require intense planning rather than spontaneous flashes, I feel like I am not ready.

The fact that this might just be an illusion is not lost on me though. I have always longed for the feeling of the unknown, the underdog, the outsized, undersized underdog. Am I one? Even I refuse to see me as an underdog, I consider myself to be in the middle of the pack. The distinct thing about that and about me being in the middle of the pack is that I have the ability to break out of the middle of the pack and be in the leading group. If one asked me if I could say the same about this world championships, I'd say no. My body and my mind do not tell me that is what happens, that is what will happen. Have I had this feeling before and wrestled well? Yes. Have I felt this way before any of the major world championships and the Olympics? No. Does that make me someone without enough confidence in my self? No. But others can have their fun at making predictions. I do not look forward to this world championships. I want to go into every tournament, including this one, thinking that I am ready enough to weather the storm. But I do not have that feeling for this one.

Has the thought of retirement been a constant bug? Yes. Is something telling me that my best days are over? Is it something I have not realized? Does every athlete go through this period? I hope my coaches let me know if I have crossed the threshhold of fantastic and getting down to good, or even satisfactory. I sure feel inside me like I am not sharp, not fit, not hungry enough for this stage, at this time. But I also ask myself a lot of questions. Was it all about winning one world title and an Olympic title? Was it only about winning tournaments or getting suffocated by other people's expectations? Everyone else's expectations? What about me? Am I wrestling for me or trying to ride out three years of minor endorsements that I am locked into? Would I have retired if I had received all the pledges (monetary pledges) made to me after the Olympics? If then, am I wrestling for me or for others? I ask myself these questions every now and then.

After the mat practice session on the 26th of August, my mother, after seeingme ice every part of my body and fall asleep on the couch while speaking to her, asked me if I was still enjoying wrestling. I told her I still enjoy wrestling for the most part, but I honestly don't enjoy it all of the time. Is it something I should constantly be worried about? And if I am, is it healthy? Please come to my rescue?

8 days till I wrestle in Iran and I do not even feel like there is a tournament in 8 days. Let alone a world championships which is crucial in more ways than one. With the new weight classes, it will be interesting to see how things pan out. I sometime wish I was not competing, that I could watch and see the new champions in the new weight classes unfold. Could I be champion? Do I truly believe that I have it in me to win the big one at 74kg in Iran? I doubt it? Does that mean I do not think I am capable of winning in Iran? The answer is difficult to come up with. I believe that I am capable of winning a world title at 74 kg, but I doubt if I am ready at this stage of my preparations. But if I am not ready at a time in my preparations where the pain in my lower back is abating (knock on wood), then when?

Why do I think I would be in any better situation next year? I do not have answers to these questions. My mind still tells me I am not ready. But I have always made it a point to go into tournaments with the mindset to win or stay home. If I genuinely think that I am not ready to compete and win in Iran, then why am I making the trip? Why not let a younger person get the opportunity to prove himself? I guess I am going because I still feel I have 8 days to feel ready, though there is nothing I can really do about my fitness. But I may feel lighter and hungrier in 8 days, that I pray to God for. Is it that I should retire but I don't know it within? Is it that I am just paranoid? Do I need confirmation from divine forces? Do I indeed have the ability to do well in Iran but just underestimate myself? May be? But I am not one that underestimates myself, so it's got to be something deeper.

The US has pulled out, does this nonchalance on my part mean more than just being unprepared? Or am I unprepared? This writing may not really make any sense. At best, I am just vomiting these thoughts so I remember my state of mind going into Iran. I have trusted my computer's keyboard with these inner thoughts, I pray you do the same. Do I have the right to harbor these thoughts? Do you have the liver to process them? If I lose in Iran, God forbid, would you hold it against me? Whether you do or not, I am glad I wrote and shared my fears with you. Now I hope you can see more than these thoughts of a schizophrenic mind. Neurotic sweet nothings that make me who I am. If you asked me if I am ready, I still insist that I am not. I still do not like my chances, but I am going to give it a shot. Insha Allah, I might get out of this depressive state and think more positive thoughts. Whatever happens, here and now, or after Iran, you will always remain one of those people I count on. After all, I let you into my state of mind. Bless you, Bless you real good!

Keep sweating... Daniel (Dynamite) Igali